All Masked Up But Nowhere To Go! Part Four

30 October 2010


Effects of Living in An Abusive Environment:

When you live with such a person for a very long time, you start to mirror their behaviour. You start to see the world in the angle they want you to see it. Your mind becomes pre-conditioned against what is normal behaviour that when you are exposed to normal behaviour it no longer feels normal or natural to us. We no longer know how to appreciate what is good or what is better.

High conflict relationships are characterized by sudden highs and lows. They can be very unsettling and creates very tense and nervous environment. The traumatic experience the body goes through will eventually manifest in our physical health. Do not wonder why you keep going back to your GP and he keeps saying you've got nothing to worry about. I thought I was dying seven years ago. It was all due to stress i found out later.

I was sick all the time (because if one area of our lives is not well, it spills out onto other areas). I suffered continuously from yoyo weight, stress allergies, my nasolabial folds specially the area on the side of my nose use to bleed because the skin flaked so much; one day I woke up and I found I had alopeacia the size of two $2 coin, the bloating, panic attacks, painful joints, sore muscles, nightmares and the continual feeling of lethargy and depression. All these vanished in four to six months time after leaving my marriage except depression that seemed to have lingered longer. I might be 4 years older now but I feel stronger and look much better today than five - six years ago. I can only put that down to the amount of stress taken off my shoulders, having regained balance in my life and the peace of mind that I can now basked myself on all day all night without fear!

A short-lived tryst I had with a nurse from Northland (I chosed to trust him because being a nurse I thought he was responsible and will know how to honour his words but he ended up just using and hurting me in the end.  Now I know it wasn't the  profession that made my auntie Almie the wonderful loving giving responsible Christian she was, it was her nature and nothing to do with her being a nurse!) has rekindled my deep-seated passion to reach out to people. It breaks my heart when I see people I care for stoop down lower than they should. To see an intelligent person hand over the reigns of his life into the hands of a less intellectual person is not something our Creator I believe would be so happy about.

If someone gave me an expensive gift, the giver will expect me to use it properly, cherish it, look after it, never to thrash it.  I guess with this logic I do think the Lord would prefer the talents and gifts He has given us to be nurtured and put into better use, multiplied and not handed over to a few minority to thrash but to safeguard it. Giving everything we've got to one, two or three persons who control, put us down, use us, hurt us or have no gratitude to us and the things we do for them is really staying in an environment that limits us to grow and be the best person God has intended us to become.  It is a choice we have to make:  Do we choose to be a slave by serving one man (or woman) or do we choose to serve God?   Does being with this person makes us a better Christian?  Or are our lives so screwed up that we are scared to reach out for others because we do not want others to know the things rotten in our lives?  God have given us talents and gifts to benefit a greater number of people and not just a handful! 

My husband use to tell me "you are a sick little girl, you need help" and he meant it in a compassionate way. It came so subtle that I never realize he changed the way I perceived myself. There were times he said he needs to look after me because I cannot do anything or "what will you do without me you silly girl?" These subtle verbal bombs can get buried deep in our minds and eventually change the way we perceive ourselves. I have spent a lot of time trying to recover the confidence I have lost. It is a battle but gradually I am getting it back.

Many of us in a controlling, abusive relationships are great at putting up appearances. We make the world think everything is hanky-dory while our hearts are being wrung tightly and our emotions trampled down! The funny thing is we have no idea everyone knows our lives better than we do, that everyone knows we are a mess except us is an understatement! Our love ones, family and friends being outside our boxes can see what spectacle we think we are hiding from them.

But until we are willing to take control of our lives and refuse to be victims...we really have nowhere to go! We remain in our roles as prisoners of the drama in the theater we call homes, the theater they created for us. The show never stops because we need to entertain them!  Yes, people in abusive relationships are all masked up but they have nowhere to go until they want to help themselves.

It takes courage and determination to stop feeding the abuser's ego because the only time or chance a victim can get away from such a relationship is to give up everything but himself and his faith and be willing to start afresh, be willing to start as low as ground zero. It's tough but not impossible to do. If I have done it (and never regretted it) anyone can! The only thing I can promise anyone is that the rewards (freedom and independence not to mention peace of mind and general well-being) are so much more than the effort and sacrifice you have to put into it. Whatever your loss maybe, it will only be temporary. God will bless you ten-fold for your loss and for whatever you have been taken advantaged off!

I honestly do not believe God is happy to watch any one of his children being physically, emotionally and mentally tortured and being willing to put up with abuse. If He wanted us to stay in such marriages/relationships until we die (till death do us part), it would have been written in the Ten Commandments: Do not commit Divorce. Instead it mentioned the only reason man was allowed to divorce: Do not commit adultery. I believe our first responsibility is that of ourselves because we are answerable to the Lord. When adultery is committed the bond that ties us within our marriage is broken. Marriage, Christian Marriage that is = Man+GOD+Woman. Our body is His Temple and if He lives in us are we to allow another person trample it? Go figure it. For reference only I have the Ten Commandments below.

And God spoke all these words, saying: “I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of bondage.

1. You shall have no other gods before me.
   
2. You shall not make for yourself any carved image, or any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth; you shall not bow down to them nor serve them. For I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children to the third and fourth generations of those who hate me, but showing mercy to thousands, to those who love Me and keep My commandments.
   
3. You shall not take the name of the Lord your God in vain, for the Lord will not hold him guiltless who takes His name in vain.
   
4. Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy. Six days you shall labor and do all your work, but the seventh day is the Sabbath of the Lord your God. In it you shall do no work: you, nor your son, nor your daughter, nor your manservant, nor your maidservant, nor your cattle, nor your stranger who is within your gates. For in six days the Lord made the heavens and the earth, the sea, and all that is in them, and rested the seventh day. Therefore the Lord blessed the Sabbath day and hallowed it.
   
5. Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long upon the land which the Lord your God is giving you.
   
6. You shall not murder.
   
7. You shall not commit adultery.
   
8. You shall not steal.
   
9. You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.
   
10. You shall not covet your neighbor’s house; you shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his donkey, nor anything that is your neighbor’s.”
    

Nowhere in there can I read about divorce, only adultery!  It is written that breaking the least of these commandments is breaking the whole law. I am a sinner by nature and as much as I try to keep all the commandments, I am human and I fail, I fail big time! Yet I believe the only sin that cannot be forgiven is the one that we do not bring to God (or do we have too many that we no longer try to bring any to him?). I have learnt to bring myself and my failings to Him on a daily basis and the reward is called peace of mind!

So I might have been hurt or I might have been used and taken advantaged of by a man who call himself a Christian but who felt it was acceptable and Christianlike to use me for diversion for the loneliness he was feeling while he waits for his infidel wife to want him back. How can a Christian justify using another person to gratify himself?  How Christian is that?  If the person who violated my trust as a child has not managed to put me down; none of these can reduce me into a lesser person. I console my soul knowing that God's hands were always there holding me along the way; that after searching my heart I know I have not done anything wrong to these people or to anyone apart from truly trusting, accepting and loving them.

Knowing that I can give my cares to the Lord, I trust He will hold me even closer to his heart from this day onwards!

All Masked Up And Nowhere To Go: Part Three

28 October 2010

Men Can Be Victims of Abuse Too:

I believe by having another victim of abuse touch my life made me become more aware of what I went through. It made me appreciate and understand myself and accept that it was okey for me to have taken a very long time to grieve, heal and recover! It has also given me the perspective of those from the outside; something I was not able to understand and relate to while I was the one in the hot seat. I didn't realize how frustrating it was for them to see everything and do everything in their power to help me, wake me up, open my eyes to the damage that was being done to me and my son. They had to suffer with me for almost ten years but it's only now I understand how they felt.

In him, I saw myself when I was the one trying to leave my marriage but could not find the strength to break away from the grip of someone stronger than me. It also opened my eyes and provided me the answer to my questions "why did it took me so long to recover". Abusers suck up all the life and goodness of the people they live with and the victims end up with nothing. They blurr your thoughts and ability to make sound decisions. I was empty when I left my marriage. The longer the time spent, the longer the time to heal. I can see now why I needed those four long years. I needed to slowly recover and re-establish my belief in myself, love myself, accept myself, have trust in others and in my faith that was down-trodden while I unknowingly allowed myself become a co-narcissist (narcissist supply) and be dependent to my abuser (co-dependent).

In my effort to understand myself and my abuser better, I begun surfing the net for answers to my questions regarding abusive relationships. I did not want to just understand myself but also to understand the source of the dysfunction and what perpetuates it. I found a lot of materials for women victims but not as much for men. But thanks to online materials, it is so much better than relying on what they have on this subject at a library. There are more male support groups in the US and I have become a regular to a couple or more of the good sites I have come across with. There are lawyers who specializes on difficult (high-conflict) divorces that I believe NZ Lawyers has not looked into yet. I know one of the reasons male victims give up half way through is one or a combination or all of these: lawyers' fees, child support, spousal maintenance and more often than not mortgages not to mention a depleted sense of self-worth.

At this point NZ is pro-women when it comes to Domestic Violence because the majority of the abused are women (and I was one of them) but what about the lesser number of men who are abused. Yet I have a feeling there are a lot more who are not even aware they are abused and more who are in denial. Are we going to turn a blind eye on them? Are we being fair?

Although I am a survivor myself, my eyes are now open to the fact that male victims are being left on their own. A battered woman has a lot of support and she's taken more seriously than that of a man. Women do not have the burden of having to pay for kids' support or spousal maintenance. There's not a lot of support for battered guys and my heart goes for the good fathers struggling to get out of abusive relationships and fathers who choose to stick it out because there are small children. Though such ideals are respectable, I am not convinced staying in an abusive, unstable marriage or relationship is conducive to the children.

The Bible says: "Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it". How can parents train kids in abusive relationships. Kids minds and hearts are like empty vessels they carry what they receive and what they grow up with will fill their vessel. Monkey sees, monkey does, we all know that! I know because I stuck with my ex also because of my son. Remember that whatever it is you are putting up with, your kids are putting up with too! By staying and putting up with the abuse gives our children no chance for a different life, a life devoid of drama and anguish and pain and put-downs.

I thought I was doing my son a favour by staying and doing him injustice if I left home. I found out later on he (my son) was much happier in our small apartment because he didn't have to put up with volatile outburst! Even if we didn't have money or material things, he never once complained. He still hasn't changed his mind today, he doesn't even want to think or be reminded of the past. My son loves and care for my ex as he is the only father he knew but he was relieved not to put up with all the issues and dramas and the "not knowing where he stands moments" that was part of our daily life in the past.

Most men do not realize they are victims. A lot of men do not think psychological battering is considered battering or abuse. The fact is, the damaged is deeper and longer-lasting. The sad thing about this is that there are fewer men who will accept they are in abusive relationship even if they know.  The person I was involved with knew he was only according to him a "cash cow".

I feel so much better now. Realizing the amount of damage done to me in those thirteen long years, I am surprised but glad I managed to get out of my marriage before I ended up going crazy or killing myself. Yes, it got that bad so much so that I have thought of ending my life many times. The only thing that stopped me was looking at my son who was seven years old when I started to feel trapped in my marriage.

That moment I woke up in the middle of the night and found myself curled up shivering on our kitchen floor (it was early September) opened my eyes to the possibility of more damage to come. There is a point when it should dawn on anyone (be it man or woman) when "enough is enough". I know that my responsibility is that of myself before anyone else. This is the logic behind airlines asking us to put our oxygen mask first before helping anyone including our own child! It is because if we are not in a good shape (physically, emotionally and spiritually) we are useless, we cannot do anything and we are not capable of helping anyone including our own kids.

Thanks again for dropping by...here is the link to the last part to this post.: All Masked Up...Part 4

All Masked Up And Nowhere To Go: Part Two

25 October 2010
Four years after my separation I got involved in a whirlwind relationship that actually hurt me more than I was hurt by my 13 year long marriage. The chemistry could not have been any better and our personalities fitted in like a key to a lock. My family accepted him like their own. He called me one time on their way home and said "she (his 3yr old girl) talked about you all the way, it's so sad that all she talks about is you, not her natural mother".

I am the kind of person who will not waste my time for anyone I don't like or someone I no longer like. It is also true that I will not waste my time for someone who doesn't like or love me. It's not that I can't be bothered but I believe time is precious and it should be invested in more rewarding efforts and more deserving recipients. It only takes a couple of meetings to establish whether or not you have chemistry with a person. I am the way I am, no pretenses, no facades, no masks, no games ...especially mind-games because it is like chasing wind really. I am that "what you see is what you get" kind of girl. What I say I mean and I expect the other person to be just as honest to me.

I do not see the logic behind someone telling me something he doesn't really mean. Nor do I expect a mature, supposedly highly educated man with a responsible job to not know how he really feels or what he really wants. Or that his views are clouded and controlled by the shadows of a woman less intellectual than him.

To make the story short; the relationship was short-lived. I will not go through the details out of respect for him and because it is not important. But I did find it hard to understand how a person can say so many things continually on a daily basis for months and don't mean any of it yet still manages to convince himself that he was being honest or has been honest. And in all honesty the reason I was hurt is because there were no problems, we had no issues! I thought he meant the many times he appreciated being with a kind, loving person "Kathy you have shown me how it is to be really loved" or "I have no idea there are kind/honest people like you" or "Kathy thank you for being you, I feel so lucky having you in my life"; "I thank God for bringing you in my life", "I have you and my kids in my life".

All that time, I have asked the Lord if this was right. I have prayed if this is not the man He wants me to be with, will He take him away from me. Somehow deep in my heart I knew something wasn't right. Unfortunately I have allowed my feelings to come through for this person. Feelings that I thought was love but now might have been mixed with a lot of feelings of pity for him.

I told my kids (who were equally disappointed and hurt because they too trusted and accepted him with open arms) that if he finds a way to sort his life out and wants a second chance with me, I will give him another chance. My kids felt he's not worth it simply because of the way he conducted himself in the last few weeks of our relationship. "Mother you are a decent person, you didn't deserve to be treated that way. He chose a cowardly way to end your relationship, that shows how he deals with life in general. He runs away and not man enough to face the outcome of his actions. Why would you want to put your life in the hands of a man who has no control over his own life? My colleagues said exactly the same thing. That if he wanted to give his family another chance he should have been man enough to talk to me about it after all he knows I am able to discuss things in a mature way and he knows that I am capable of doing just that because he has seen how I treat my ex and how my ex treats me inspite of the high-conflict divorce we've had.  He once told me (this man) he wished his ex was like me.

I am grateful my children were there for me. How time has changed. It was my kids looking after me recovering from a break-up. Isn't that funny? My teenage son told me to toughen up and don't feel bad about myself because I have been true to myself and I treated him(the man) and his children very well and that is all that matters. Other people's hang up is their problem not mine according to him. I cherish the many evenings my son held me in his arms as he whispered "you'll be fine mom, I'm always here for you and you know I love you".

I also have a couple of friends who supported me more than the others. And I will always be grateful to both of them. Being female and male they supported me in a manner different from each other. A female supports you in a much more caring way. It addresses your need to be understood, to be comforted without crushing your ego and spirit simply because they have been there and they felt your feelings. A male supporter can look and feel a bit harsh but they counsel in a more objective way. He expected me to move on and dust it off like nothing happened. It can come a bit too harsh especially when my heart and ego has just been crushed. It's like asking a person who has just come out of surgery to run a mile. But just the same his views are important because he knows what the other party is thinking or feeling. He's been there and has felt the feelings the other person has and can advise from a man's point of view.

In as much as I am surrounded by people who care and love me, I still felt alienated because there are some things too personal to share and those are the ones that hurt most. It's like a heavy but precious load, you have to carry it alone and not being able to share that load with others makes the journey tougher. There was a time when I thought I have completely lost it and there was also a time I thought this was all a joke and it could not be happening to me. I tried reaching out to him because I thought he will accept some degree of responsibility, only to feel even more hurt. I knew I didn't deserve any of it.

So why the need to document this? It's because I believe there is a reason for everything. I believe each person that touches our lives and that our lives touches has a role to play. They might touch our lives for a moment, for a day, a month, a season, a year or a lifetime; we can never tell. The only thing certain is that they will remain with us only for as long as they have a purpose in our lives. In saying that there are those of us who do not know when to let go or don't want to let go. The sad thing about this is that we could remain in an unproductive state.

"Relationship is like a tea bag, you can re-use it but it gets weaker each time you make another cup using the same old tea bag!"...GCrawford 2010

Thanks for dropping by again. I will be posting Part Three of this post in the next couple of days. Catch up with you then..

All Masked Up And Nowhere To Go: Part One

24 October 2010

Last year I created this blog as my online journal with the sole purpose of documenting my life after divorce. It was my intention, and still is, to document my ups and downs and the highs and lows I experience along the way with the hope that it will reach women around the globe who like me found it hard or is finding it hard to leave and or recover from an abusive relationship. Therefore purposefully omitting some of the issues and experiences I've gone through will be against the very reason and the very purpose of why this blog was created.

Only by documenting each and every one of my experiences will this blog be real and true. I am not alone, I know there are many of you out there who share and can relate to my predicaments. Some have the courage to talk about it, others prefer to be mum about it. I hope that by reading my story I can reach out to others and have a connection with someone who has been through a similar experience. I hope that wherever they are they will know that they are not alone in their sufferings.

Initially my goal was to reach out to women only but this year I have come face to face with the reality of men being victims and survivors as well. My intentions have now shifted into a broader scope of reaching out to victims and survivors of abusive relationships, both men and women and the people affected and influenced by their lives: children, family members, partners and support persons. I did experience it first hand and found out that being in a relationship with a victim is just as damaging as having a relationship with an abuser.

Just like abusers, victims who are still emotionally attached to their abusers do not seem to have empathy for others. They are too focused about their own feelings and what is good for them and how they can please their abusers. They do not have a mind of their own nor are capable of real feelings and they seem incapable of understanding or supporting their (current) partners. They ruin everything in their past and burn their bridges and therefore have no connections to the outside world.

This experience has created a longing in my heart to take a second look into what I have always been leaning towards, Psychology. Even while I was doing my Pre-Med (Bachelors in General Science) at the University of Sto Tomas (Manila), my heart has always been partial to Psychology. This is probably why I did not become a doctor. There was always a longing there to reach out and understand people in a none physical way.

That longing never materialized because of many reasons. My ex-husband told me I was too old to go back to uni, my kids told me when I was involved this year to just be a good mother to his children (and I was prepared to do that too), some of my friends told me why don't I just enjoy life and travel as much as I want (and I would if only that was possible without needing a lot of money). Unfortunately only you can feel that empty space and only you can fill it up. No one else!

I have often wondered why it took me so long to recover from my own separation and divorce: that was four solid years ago last month.  Even when I felt I was already on the mend I did not rush into any relationship because I knew about the hazards of rebound relationships. I applied what I learned to my life and waited until all the pain and baggage I had was gone, done and dusted before opening my heart and my life to another; but I failed to apply the same measures to the person I decided to have a relationship with. I saw the writings on the wall so to speak, but did not take time enough to read them and look at them as red flags. I should have known better.

This time I was prepared to never look at anything but the person's heart. Never mind his looks, dress sense, what he's got or not got, his previous life or relationship, financial set backs etc. I knew what I was looking for (and little kids were not part of it). I believe if a man has got good moral character that is all that counts. Money and material things are temporary and if two people who are willing to work together for their common good come together, these things can be gained easily. But not so with character. You either have it in you or you don't. Narcissists can pretend to be the wonderful people they are but eventually the mask will come down within months or sometimes years.  Money and prestige can't buy character, neither can education. I have put educated people on a pedestal before, I don't now because of this experience I had with this supposedly educated man, I have learnt my lessons. Education can help improve character but is not a guarantee to having a good character; in some cases it can make someone's ego bloated!

All I prayed for this time is a decent honest Christian man who's heart is open to accepting Jesus as his Saviour. From the little info I have given, most of my friends and the people who knew me forbade me not to go ahead if he's not financially solvent and because of his 2 little kids and the baggage he was dealing with at that time.  I laughed and told them I had a man with money before and I was not happy. I do not want material things or money, I just want to have a peaceful life with a person who appreciates me and treats me as he treats himself. One who is dignified and can see me eye to eye.  One can never presume, I've learnt that now.

Sometime this year I met someone I thought fitted the description. He presented himself to be the man I was praying for (that's true he even read my 101 things to do and he confirmed to me he was all the person I have described in there). I did have second thoughts because of him having two very young kids and the rest of the baggage (ex or wife) that came with the package. But my mother told me to never judge the man until I've known him. I've never involved my family nor asked their thoughts about who I went out with all my life, I thought this time I will.

Because I am at a stage in my life where I can now focus on myself, do the things I couldn't do while I was married and bringing up kids and running a family; I was aware that by accepting him it would mean giving up my new found freedom and my independence that I have learnt to embrace and enjoyed in the last four years. That was a hard decision for me but in the end I chose him because I thought he knew what he was talking about. I therefore believed everything he told me about him and believed he was worth it. Maybe its my second shot of motherhood and I didn't mind because I know myself very well and what I am physically capable of. I will soon be fifty but inside I feel like no different as I was in my early thirties. I have the energy of a younger person and this is my dilemma. I suppose it is the by-product of clean living!

So there I was thinking I've finally met a man of good character, a man of substance. There were many times I thought he was too soft, too yielding, too good to be true!  Convinced he was a responsible, respectable man; I overlooked the baggage that came with him. There were lots of red flags and I will not mention them here out of my respect for his privacy but yes, there were lots of red flags that I ignored and really should have looked deeper into.

He spent all the time I've known him talking about what he didn't like with his marriage and his wife. Stories that felt detached from reality to someone like me. Stories that I only read or hear happening to others but never heard happened to anyone I know. It made me appreciate my peaceful life and made me feel very sorry for him. My parents separated too and got back but we were never exposed to these kind of drama. As dysfunctional as it is (my family) none ever had a brush with the law. Not one of us in my family has any record of violence or with the police. I bought into all his stories and felt sorry for him and maybe mistaken my feelings of pity for love.

With the way he handled the last few weeks of our relationship, the break up (very immature and irresponsible for someone his age and position) and how he handled it after our separation, I now am starting to think that the man I had a relationship with might have been his counter-ego; the opposite of who he really was. I understand that after being with an abusive person for a long time we end up mirroring the behaviour of that person. Like chameleons, we change our colors to blend in with our surroundings. We become offshoots of our abusers, little mini-me; their partners in crime so to speak. And therefore have a tendency to be capable of hurting people they come in contact with the way their abusers can.

This was the very thing that scared me with my own marriage and I did not want to stoop down that low. The psychological abuse was not just dished out on me, it was extended to my children and my brothers and my parents too. My last straw was doing something I never imagined I would do. It made me realize I had become a distant shadow of my old self. I knew right then I needed to get myself out of there or else I am going to end up spiraling down to his level. But I was all masked up and had nowhere to go. So I stayed....

If you would like to read part two of this post, please click "All Masked Up and Nowhere to Go: Part Two

This post is quite long. When I started writing this I thought it was going to be just a few paragraphs. I now have no choice but split it into three or four parts. Please check again tomorrow or in the next few days for the remaining parts.

TakeTime To Move On...

11 November 2010
Today was supposed to be my first Photowalk with the folks at my Church. I have left it at last minute to organize for a lift and am not prepared to drive to Whatipu on my own with my Petrol Hungry car.

It's just one of the few things I have decided to get myself into. Just like most of us now, I really can't go out without a camera so I thought I might as well learn to take proper photos and take advantage of the free guidance from an excellent professional photographer, Steph at Available Lights Photography Ltd. She organizes these photowalks regularly and I've been planning to do something about it for quite some time now. But just like the many projects and plans I had earlier this has been left lying on the roadsides because my weekends  pretty full on.

But after the tragic death of my short-lived tryst I have to move on and the only way to do that is to occupy myself with something else. I was advised to jump into the bandwagon straight away by many a few friends but that is not how I do things. I do not believe in using someone to alleviate my pain and suffering, that is just cruel and egotistical! I know how it feels to be used (ouccchhhhhh!!!). I prefer to go out there and not dump any issues or baggage to the other person. I don't put use by dates to human, I respect their Owner. That's just awful to be left alone especially if you haven't done anything wrong to the person!

In the next posts, I will be blogging about how I survived the sudden death of a short-lived romance. I remember saying the week I received an email break up letter (they told me at work and the therapist I had to visit because of this that it was a cowardly way of breaking up...and looking back now I realize they are right) that one day I might be able to look back to that day and smile. In fact looking back now I haven't really smiled, but I laughed. I laugh at the stupidity of it all and I can do that now because all the feelings I had are gone: anger, disappointment, self-pity, pity for him, maybe love or whatever was left of it or just unexplained emotions.

My rational mind has come back and life is normal again. I've discussed this with the Boss and I am now able to accept it knowing that there was a purpose for everything that happened. We sometimes go off tangent and when we do Life will put a road block, a diversion to get us back on track again. I think I was the sacrificial lamb for him to be reunited with his family. I hope it was all worth it for him.  If he has gone back and things hasn't changed for the positive for him then he would know he has refused the solution the Lord might have offered to take him back onto the right path.  Because I honestly believe we think we know what is best for us and we trust our judgements more than we trust His plans.  He knows better than us unfortunately we allow our limited minds and our own interpretation of Christianity and how we should use the talents and gifts He has put into our hands!

Sometimes we also use religion to justify ourselves, what if the crossroad was what the Lord has wanted us to take?  What if our decisions are not what He wanted us to do?

My Favourite Quotes 3:

Yesterday something inspired me to coin the below favorite personal quote.  It made me realize people sometimes are blinded with their needs, wants and love for money so much so that they use it as a measure of someone's love for them.  How sad, how shallow it is.  And what a tragic end of something that could have the potential of turning into a beautiful thing!  


"The extent one has to go to show love and trust is not always preceded by the $ sign. A person's ability to cope, accept, understand,  forgive and remain loyal... these are intangible and truer measure of one's love and trust! If that wasn't the case you'll never see a rich man sad or a poor man happy in life"....GTCrawford2011

If you want to see some of the happiest people on earth, try the islands where the people are simple and they have almost nothing but their smiles and the crispness in their voices will tell you how happy and content they are.  I had the chance to visit Samoa  before the Tsunami and I came back with a fresh new outlook in life.  My happiness rest not in what money can buy!  The quake in Christchurch further confirmed this.  When trouble comes it brings us back to our real nature and all that matters are the people in our lives! 

So if anyone makes the mistake of measuring or judging your love or trust with money or your ability to find money; know that that is not love! It is sad but unfortunately it is true!

Let The Wound Heal Naturally

Time heals all wounds!  And although I can talk about it now without feeling that sharp pain; there are times when something just rubs the wound the wrong way and because I'm not numb to pain it allows my mind to remember the pain!

Today is another of those days that somehow rubs the wound I have been trying to heal!

Things were turned around abruptly because some people think it's acceptable to say things they don't mean.  I spent months listening to things said to me that became the basis of my decision to share my life with someone!  They were said religiously everyday  until I was convinced I was being told the truth! When adults who present themselves to be beyond reproach ask you to trust them, you do it at face value!  I don't play with people's feelings, therefore I do not expect a mature person to play games or play with my feelings either.  Unfortunately the world is full of impostors, we are bound to come across them at least once or twice in our life time!

Just because the relationship only lasted for a few months some wonder why I couldn't just get over it in flash.  In their eyes they see it more like a fling that I should be able to toss away like a piece of rag.  Unfortunately I don't do flings.  I care for my feelings a lot and I don't give it away willy nilly.  So much so that when I do, my whole soul goes with it.  I am sure everyone else has standards they follow, I'm just one of them.  I'd rather stay home than go out with anyone who is not up to what I believe in. And when that belief is proven wrong, it rips you apart!  I guess sometime we come across people with callous hearts and souls! There are even some who are trained to lie or pretend because it's part of the job and therefore becomes their second nature and they do it very well.

Almost ninety percent of the people who tried to advise me suggested I need to find another, I should go out with not one but three guys!  I don't understand why people always generalize.  What works for them won't work for me and I know that.  They might be right that I could end up wasting a lot of time grieving when I can be out enjoying and having fun!  Unfortunately there are people like me who:

•  do not believe in using another person to make them feel better 
•  do not believe in going out when they are broken 
•  do not wish to waste someone else's time nor hurt someone's feelings
•  do not believe it's fair to carry old baggage and expect the other person to carry it for them

People have feelings!  Even dogs and cats have feelings.  Why do we find it  unjustified and wrong and inhumane to hurt a pet but it's okey to emotionally hurt and rubbish a person?  Why is there a law that protects us when a product is sold through misrepresentation but there is none to protect us when it is someone's Life itself that is involved? Are material things more important than humans? Why is it alright to con people who open their hearts and souls to us?  Although some expected me to get over it in three days and some even made it sound as if it was my fault; others had this to say and I have found great comfort in them:

• One lady said she was sad to hear it did not work.  She saw us every weekend and believed there was great chemistry and our characters fitting in very well!  But the best she told me was: "It's sad that you were badly let down but I am glad to hear you are hurting because it proves that you are still capable of loving.  So be very grateful that you are feeling the pain.  People who are numb in heart are incapable of loving".
• Yesterday a gentleman who has been widowed for 8 years told me to not feel bad that it's taking me longer than I thought  to recover. "It's not the lenght of time but the depth of the connection and the quality of the relationship that determines the amount of time you need to grieve and heal and recover.  You should allow your wounds to heal naturally". 
• Another reckons separations are like accidents.  "Whether it happens in a flash or in a few minutes, it is the degree of impact that determines the magnitude of damage.  The greater the impact the greater the damage and therefore the greater time needed to recover!"
• A client of mine who has known me for ages said:  "You have just recovered from a major let down and eventually trusted someone who didn't know what he wants and he ended up letting you down badly; your spirit has taken a beating!  You can't compare a healthy person and a person just out of the ICU to be able to run a race side by side!  Nurture yourself, take your time, do not be too hard on you!  People who really care will understand, you don't need the ones who don't!"
• The greatest comfort I ever got was the day my son came to me and said "Mom you go out tomorrow so I can clean the house for you".  My son has seen me go through low moments before but never this low and never this long.

His silence and his willingness to take charge of my situation is an acknowledgement of his great understanding and respect for my feelings.  He made me realise just how deep I have allowed myself to sink but at the same time also given me the inspiration to pull myself together!

I am never one to recover easily from failed relationships.  Maybe because I have a loving nature or maybe because I put a lot of value and respect in people's feelings and life itself.  It might be a negative attribute in the eyes of many but that is my nature, that is who I am!   So if I take half as long or twice as long to recover this time; I trust that when I have finally recovered, my wound would have healed naturally!