Decision Making and Psychologically Battered Women

Did Shakespeare managed to dissect the dilemma of indecision? "To be or not to be, that is the question". Could it be that he had a great insight into this phenomenon that I am sure man, and women in particular suffered from since time immemorial?

But what I know and understand about indecision, and I am talking through experience here, is that it is not a trait we are born with. Indecisiveness is a learned trait; a person is conditioned through his environment and mostly by the people who has direct contact and control over his life.

Constant invalidation of our ability to make decisions, our ability to function as an individual entity will sooner or later rob us of our ability to make decisions, big or small. Our ability to trust our instincts which is important in decision making is like our muscles, if not used, it will soon vegetate! Our decision making muscles will atrophy if not put into constant use.

In my case I was never told I could not make any decisions but whenever I did it had to suit the other person otherwise it was a hopeless idea. I was always being compared to another person and of course always being told the other person cooked better or is better with people or business or family matters and why I could not be like that person. Imagine listening to that for 13 years?

As mentioned, I was not forbidden to make decisions. In fact I was encouraged to do so but most of the times if it was not what the other person had in mind I either got told off or reminded that I came to NZ with just a suitcase and therefore have no right to expect anything more. That I should just be thankful with whatever was being doled out.

There were many times when I got told off or embarrassed in front of friends and my family and times when my family member's suffered the same.  My eldest was humiliated in front of her colleague one time.  My brother rang from work and said he could not function at work one night after having been berated as he was leaving for work. I could take what rubbish was being dished out on me but I could not allow the disrespect for my brother, my kids and my parents to continue. They all deserved better treatment than that.

I believe this was the core reason I suddenly managed to sum up whatever courage or strength was left in me to make one crucial decision.

Prior to this,  I gave up making suggestions or voicing my ideas because I did not want to be belittled or made to feel guilty any further. I use to have panic attacks whenever I had to choose anything. My mind would race to the next scenario, the aftermath, the hurtful words. Soon even the simple act of ordering a dish at a restaurant became such an ordeal. Maybe you know the feeling when you are unsure it is safe to order a full course dinner or not. I was financially dependent not because I wanted to but because I was not allowed to be independent. And being made to feel guilty of the food you've eaten is very demeaning. And I was accused of being lazy because I did not have a regular job. The other person obviously forgetting it wasn't me who did not want to work. Although I did try to work full-time once, I never lasted in any one job because I was always expected to go away at the drop of a hat. Part of the reasons I was accused of being lazy and hopeless was because I am very good at starting on something and never really finishing it! Remember my last post about Multiple Streams of Passion? I am a real Jack of all trades kind of person.

I have always had a voracious appetite for learning. Again I think I flourish in a classroom because in the past, the classroom was the safest place for me, it was the happiest too. To the people around us, all of them will think I had one of the best childhood in the village I grew up from. Little did they know I went through one of the worse times of my life there. I lived with it for more than thirty years before I was strong enough to face it and deal with it. I did quite well at school contrary to what my first therapist expected, and most of the times I was the teacher's pet. Most of my teachers were mothers themselves and even the only one who was not married counted me as part of her family. I guess those memories become alive each time I enter a classroom.  It makes me feel at home and I feel validated and accepted even now.

Well, my dilemma is the fact that I came out of my marriage without a decision-making ability.  I do believe a lot of women in the same boat can relate to this.  It is quite tough to have lived for more than ten years in a very comfortable life where everything was taken cared off. I was married to my ex for more than ten years and not once did I see a billing statement.  Everything went to the business, my ex and his ex looked after everything. I was a puppet and that was my greatest fear. I was so scared that if my ex left me or passed away suddenly, I didn't know where to start.

I have been separated, divorced and living alone with my son for more than three years now. Yet I really have not recovered from it. I guess I cannot expect to undo almost thirteen years of mental and psychological battering and conditioning in just a matter of three years.  Most people are good and willing to help and understand.  I know whether at home, at work or in social circles that I will always come across some mean people!  It helps to know that mean people are unhappy people.  So instead of getting upset with them, the truth is I actually do feel sorry for them.  I always go back to a line I used in my Valedictory Address in High School.  “It is the weak who are mean and ruthless.  Only the strong are capable of understanding, gentleness and humility!"  I still believe so.

In the last three years, I had to force myself to make decisions simply because I have no one else to turn to and most of the times I find it such a struggle. But the good thing is whenever I do make one, no one is going to make me feel guilty about it now. No more constant invalidation.

Experience and Time are the greatest teachers.  Whether I make a good or bad decision I know that my decision-making muscles get stronger each time I do make one!

Poor Boy Tiger..... or is he?

I normally would not talk about celebrities in my blog after all this is about me and my simple life.  But I am just at a lost at the number of articles re: Tiger Woods that crops up everyday when I watch TV or listen to the radio, read the papers or go online.   I am now just sick and tired of it!  I have so far to find articles that actually accepts that Tiger Woods is but human.

I salute Nike for standing behind a man they have had business relationship with for many years.  I was hoping his wife will do the same but I can relate to the pain she must be going through if and when she decides otherwise.  I am not really convinced that NZ's very own Steve Williams, caddy to Tiger for a long time has no idea on Tiger's philandering.  But he says he is an honest man and he deserves to be taken seriously besides it is in his contract to not talk about his job.  To talk or not to talk, that is his prerogative.  I am just glad to hear he has given his support (click here) to the man he worked for and worked with for a long time!

I don't know the man, I mean, Tiger.  I thought I was quite privileged just having my photo taken next to his wax at Madam Tussaud's :-)!  I only know him the way everybody knows him: a child prodigy, a golfing sensation! While everyone else is out to kill (symbolically) Tiger Woods the celebrity golfer, there are still people out there who will take the man for who he is.  Real people who understand and know how to take the celebrity out of the man.

The sad thing is that the world has been too spoiled! The world is allowed to think it can pick a young person, lift him up on a pedestal and then expects him to stay put and act according and within the confines of its expectations.  We have seen this sad phenomenon many times.  There was Lady Di, Michael Jackson both sadly gone; and now Tiger Woods!  Let's not even mention Mr Bill Clinton.

I feel it is unfair for these people for they have been robbed of their youth, their freedom.  Money and fame is not always the answer, it is never the answer and never enough to justify what these people have to sacrifice.  The world loves them while they are doing great and I am sure success and acknowledgment, revered almost, would be so intoxicating!  But the moment they miss their targets, they are hit blow after blow from all sides with so much power until they are literally gone, literally dead!

And like lunatics, the same people who worked so hard to dethrone then will mourn and admit they miss the person. What's the point?  The world has lost too many important lives, lives that can revolutionize, that can change and help mankind.  The lives we destroy are not the ones losing, we are and our kids too!  Imagine how much more Lady Di could have done for the the world?  How about Jacko?  Funny how everyone turned out  keen to watch his movie after he was dead but ignored him while he was here with us.

Are we going to do the same to Tiger?  Can't people see this is one sad, lost little boy too?  His infidelities, (and I am not going to condone the behaviour for we can all agree it is wrong), we should all know, is not within his control.  It is an outlet of a deeper issue in this young man's life.  He needs help, yes help and not stones thrown at him. 

And while we are so intent at pointing our fingers on him and punishing him, calling him names and you name what!  These women are riding on and having a great time on this big wave of popularity.  Are they not just as guilty as Tiger Woods?

I never thought I would play golf but I ended up playing.  Tiger though had nothing to do with it for I only learned the game to please my ex.  But I must say I enjoyed the many times I watched Tiger play, win or lose!  For golfers, don't you think this boy deserves our compassion, understanding and forgiveness instead of wrath?  Did he not entertain you for many many years?  Did he not inspire your little one to become the best?  Did he not raise funds so young lives can become great golfers like him?

When your child commits a mistake, I am sure you will reprimand him and punish him but in a loving understanding way!  Well, Tiger Woods is a son too!  And he has given and given and given all those years.  The fact that he has the decency to accept he was wrong, proves the sort of man he is.  A problem recognized is half solved!

Let's do the right thing.  Give this man your forgiveness and allow him the privacy to deal with his life and family issues.  And don't forget, in cases of infidelity it takes two to tango.   The women are just as guilty.  If there were no such women, Tiger Woods would not be committing a sin against himself and his family.  It appears to me that Tiger is the only one coping the blame while the public is quite tolerant of the women who will one way or another be the cause for breaking up this family and other families after this.

I am in no position to suggest Erin should stay for I also left my marriage.  I would have stayed but my husband thought it was easier to shop for a girl online instead of work with me and our son to solve our differences and save twelve years of marriage.  I believe Tiger is willing to work with Erin to save his marriage.  So it would be nice to see if Erin has the strength to remain and give her husband a second chance the way Hillary Clinton did!  It is true that their kids will one day find out about all these.  But I believe that if husband and wife can win this war together the impact on their kids lives will be stronger and will be a positive one by showing the kids their love for them and their family was greater than what the world tried to throw at them!

I hope that instead of caving in, Tiger will be able to come back and prove that though he is human just like everybody else, which he is entitled to be; he is above all else in his chosen field!  He constantly delivered in the fairways but he is entitled to have a life, a private life.  This dark moment will pass, but what Tiger has achieved and able to achieve in the future will remain!

Have you a Multiple Streams-of-Passion?

I enrolled myself in so many community evening schools and colleges in the past. I came from a country where typing is not a part of the curriculum in high school or college. So I thought when I got here I should train to increase my chances of getting a job. Since then I have been to a few training schools and a few colleges. Did Secretarial and Reception Training. After that I went to college to train as a hairdresser not because I wanted to but because my ex was certain Travel and Tourism was not right for me. So I became a hairdresser and did a bit of hairdressing after that first as an employee and then on my own later on. From there I went and enrolled a Diploma in Computing and Business Administration. In between those I also managed to train in Massage Therapy.

After I left my marriage, it was a toss between Psychology and Travel and Tourism. I wanted Psychology but it means surviving on a student's allowance for three years. So I opted for Travel and Tourism instead knowing I could be in the workforce in a year's time. Don't take me wrong here, I haven't given up Psychology. At this point I just don't know how I am going to do it but I haven't given it up totally.

I can see why my ex got so exasperated with me and why he thought I was hopeless and never good at anything. So much so that when I told him I was offered a job shortly after my training, he wrote a very spiteful letter telling me that he was sure in just a couple of weeks I'll be gone from the company and will be out there again doing something else. Well so far, I am still with the same company and that was almost two years ago, just a couple of months shy of two years as I am writing this. In the industry that he believed wasn't right for me.

Like a stream, if not allowed to flow freely will either find another outlet or the pressure will build up and eventually burst open the dam or block. In cases where the dam is stronger than the pressure of water, the water will soon become stagnant. I was both, with built up pressure yet stagnant.

Well I read a portion of the book "Discovering Your Inner Samurai" by Susan L. Reid a few weeks ago. I unfortunately have not bought the book. But when I came across her website, I found the free download of a chapter in her book; Chapter 5 "Doing What You Love Multiple Streams-of- Passion".

When she talked about "Right Brain Thinkers" not wanting to go from A to B, and don't like listening and following directions and that these people learn by visualizing pictures and doing things the kinesthetic way meaning hands-on approach, I thought I was reading about me. She further mentioned that Right Brain Thinkers scan quickly and figure out what to do without reading details. I said, "this has got to be me"!

If you are one with multiple streams-of-passions, you might enjoy reading the said chapter. You can check out her website and see if she is still giving that as a free download. I was quite inspired b and abilities) and the fact that in our days it seems like we are warming up to the idea of accepting polymathy as a positive rather than a negative attribute just as they did during the Renaissance Period.

Realizing that most of the great men and women in history were polymaths somehow helped me accept my supposed to be "failing or weakness". I am positive that I can find a way to put all my interests or passions together to somehow blend and become one or if that is not possible at least find a way to identify what my primary passion is where the rest can flow through!

My dilemma seems to run in the family. My eldest is a nurse who graduated as cum laude from the University of Santo Tomas in the Philippines. I myself went to the same university but was not able to do what my daughter was able to achieve there.  I guess if I learned not to focus on what was happening with my mother and father at that time, I probably would have done better.  But even then I was a lost soul, it was the start of the mess that was going to happen in my life.  But that is what set my girl apart, she is capable of ignoring outside factors that she deems not positive to her life.

After arriving in NZ, she studied another year at Auckland University to become a teacher, works tirelessly as a youth leader in our church. Both she and her sister love to organize events. My younger girl is about to finish university. Both are quite academic but both very artistic. Last year they managed to turn our garage into a fairy world for a wedding with a budget of NZD500.00 Who could pull together something like that? My kids can, I've seen them do it. I missed the wedding though as I was in Europe but the guests talked about it for a long time.

Through word of mouth, they are being kept busy helping or organizing weddings, birthdays, baby showers, anniversaries, etc and they do it all for the love of doing it and having fun and creating a lot of memories and joy for the people they provide their complimentary services to. Below are a few photos from the wedding I am talking about. The couple just recently arrived in NZ so they don't have a lot. My girls worked on a few hundreds budget. So instead of hiring a venue, they turned our garage into, according to their guests" a "fairy-tale wedding cove". Only my girls would have thought of capitalizing on my Christmas lights collections (collections I no longer use). I missed all the action but I really enjoyed the photos and videos. The cake was baked by another good friend and photo's compliments of "Available Light Ltd". Check out her website for more of her works. As the name suggests, she only works with whatever light is available to her...literally!




I remember how much we were able to save when my eldest daughter got married. I went to the flea market and ordered all the flowers we needed and made them ourselves instead of paying for a florist. The kids made all the other bits and pieces they needed for the wedding. I did all their hair and make-up on the day. It was a lot of hard work but we managed to pull it all together and we are still all very happy with the outcome! And she also designed her simple but elegant wedding dress. This was a a few years ago.


My son, well am not sure if he is a polymath or not. I believe he is. He isn't academic but I know he is intelligent, just lazy or uninterested at the moment. He has a few passions and undecided at this point which one to pursue. So I can only pray that he will eventually figure out which direction he wants to take.

Then there is also my brother who has been blessed with so much talent. He has the gift of memory and words and has been a part of the NZ World Scrabble Delagation. He also paints and sings and just like my kids, is very good in organizing games/events. Lately he has been making balloon arts. Our youngest brother has a lot of passions too but he is more grounded. I guess he is strong on both sides of his brain and so he is more balanced than any of us. But in general, we are all the same. We have not been able to blend our passions together into a single force so as to create some kind of positive effect in our lives.
Creativity sometimes do not show early on in life especially in women. After university, most end up in marriages and the energy is soon focused on bringing up a family. A lot of women find out later on they have a need to express their undiscovered or undeveloped creativity. Sometimes it coincides with mid-life crisis. So much so that I have seen a few ladies turned into painters, bakers, cake decorators, writers, landscape artistst, business gurus, ambassadors and you name what later on in life. Things they never thought they could do.

Below are a few more photos of the things my girls have done and a few from a good friend of mine who like I said suddenly got into cooking or baking. She makes the best chocolate cake and I'm not saying itjust because she is my friend.

Enjoy your multiple - streams - of passions knowing that there is nothing wrong about you! Susan L Reid wrote "Make no apology and offer no excuse for how you have gotten from Point A to B".

No Fuss Christmas and New Year Celebrations in Kiwiland!

Time flies even when you are not having fun! Soon to say goodbye to 2009 and hello 2010! Couple of years ago I started celebrating Christmas and New Year Kiwi Style (clean green, 100% pure). In 2008, I took my parents and my brothers night wharf fishing across the city on New Year’s Eve in time to watch the fireworks at the Sky Tower and then headed to the Gulf Harbour the next day and we spent the day picnicking and beach fishing.

For 2009, my kids decided we should meet up at Wenderholme Regional Park for New Years Day. I was not very keen as I have never really celebrated New Year in a Regional Park before! The past thirteen years I have lived in Aetoroa, we've always celebrated New Year with a party. If not at our place, it is at a friend's place aside from maybe a couple of occasions when my kids and I organised a Christmas cum New Year party and hired a venue to accommodate friends and family.

Now that I am on my own I’ve got time to reflect at the amount of time spent hosting far too many parties all year round when I was still with my ex. He use to have 2-3 parties every week. Weekends were always party time and by Tuesday he was planning for Thursday or Friday and weekend parties. It never stopped. Somehow I feel everything was so shallow, here today gone tomorrow type thing. I hardly even remember much of these parties now which just prove that they weren’t quality time. They left no warm fussy thoughts in me. Why wasn't it possible to enjoy friend's company without slaving myself in the kitchen before and after the party? Why did I use to run around like a headless chook just making sure things are done right? Only to be embarrassed in front of guests or to be told off after they are gone and then made to feel incompetent!

With these thoughts I suddenly found a reason to celebrate life, my current life in particular, my quiet and uneventful life. There is far more quality, far deeper meaning of everything you do when you have control over your life! Just having the luxury of time, my own time, my own pace makes my simple life so much more fun, so much more meaningful!

So last year I decided I was going to just enjoy New Years Day in the most relaxing way! No fuss, no cooking, no looking after guests! So together with my mom, sister-in-law and my niece, (after grabbing a bagful of bread, fruits and nuts and some nice cheese and sun dried tomatoes too from New World) we headed off to Wenderholme Regional Park.

Almost an hour later due to the traffic jam at the Orewa turn off from the motorway, we got there and surprised to find that the park is packed full of people! It was almost impossible to find a parking space. I knew my quiet plan after all is not going to happen. I was at the verge of getting frustrated looking for even the narrowest space to park when I spotted my brother’s car! And luckily, next to it was the narrowest space to park! I thought thats the power of positive thinking yeah? But I wondered now have I looked for the widest space to park, would the result been different? We find what we look for, must always remember that.

Our next problem was how we are going to find them. If I can find them I was almost certain I won’t have to carry the stuff in my boot myself! In Wenderholme there’s lots of drinks if you remembered to fill up your ESKI but there was no cell-phone signal! Since we could not rely on technology there, we had to rely on the natural pedi-power to find my brothers who got there several minutes or so before us. They had my father with them and they were now off fishing somewhere. I managed to locate my other brother who found a quiet place to study and memorise more words for his scrabble competitions. That’s how we found them after walking about 200 – 300 meters away from the car!

I quickly had to find a shade to spread our picnic rugs and mats so I can get my brother held responsible for looking after our bits and pieces for the day! He didn’t mind it after all he only wanted to sit where it was quiet so he can study and memorize words for his Scrabble Games, words you can’t really use in real life!

Having eagle-like eyes, I searched for Dad’s SLR and I was soon manoeuvring my way around the cars and folks that occupied almost every square inch of the car park. My plan was to check this place out and the walks available around the Park.

I noticed as I headed towards the historic Couldrey House, the park has turned into a real melting pot! By the river was a Mediterranean family being briefed before taking into the waters in what looked like their first kayaking experience? It was heart warming to see ladies in their national costumes covered from head to toe paddling in midair!

A few steps away from there was a group of ducks unfettered by the number of picnickers around them! By the beach, the shaded area was lined with groups of families and youngsters competing and showing off their expertise in rugby or cricket, others settled for beach volleyball or rather grassland volleyball; the guys in our group did not waste their time either and with their Filipino ingenuity soon turned a small bucket into Hole 18 as they mastered their putting games and managing to lose most of the golf balls they brought with them in between or under meter high grasses and thick shrubs! The rest were more than happy just frolicking by the waters and the younger once lazily burning themselves under the sun in the hope to be rewarded with a sexy tan which might turn to unsightly skin cancer five or ten years later!

Though I have driven to this park several times before; just like any of my trips in my first 12 years in NZ; I don’t really know anything much about the place. I never got to really checking out the place the way I want to. My ex was always in a hurry. It is very much like reading a 500page novel just skimming over the pages, seeing it but not really understanding it. Or meeting a friend and talking with her and not noticing what she was wearing and you find yourself asking when you try to remember what was said...”what was that all about?” This is the big difference. Some prefer quantity over quality, others prefer the other way around.

I managed to take a few shots from my walk to share with my friends online and to deposit into my Photo Bank. If only my money grew as quickly as the numbers of photos going into my photo bank, I’d be rich by now! On my way back I found a quiet place with a bench and I took my time there. What peace, what delight to be in a crowd and still find a place to be on your own!

By the time I got back it wasn’t long before the rest of the group arrived. The Barbie was set up and soon enjoying food which we all pitched in and ended up with a small feast, a lot of fun and games plus add to that all day sunshine, water and sand! That’s the healthiest recipe I had so far for a good New Year’s Day! Ahh!!! New Zealand, I hope the day will never come when your kids have to pay to enjoy sunshine in your sands!

I can look back to the last couple of years and know they are rooted in my heart and mind. I am glad to be home again this time for a Kiwi Christmas and New Year!

Head Down to the Park for Bit of Gym...

I have always had a short attention span and I know this is one reason I get bored quite easily with almost anything I do. Being aware of this I decided to vary what I do as often as I am able to. I know at the end of the day if I keep doing and seeing the same things or going the same way, I'll soon be bored. I was reading an article about women who can't seem to focus on just one thing. I am one of those Jackies' of all trade, master of none sort of people! I use to feel bad about it but I have been able to come to terms with it.

Someone at work mentioned I've lost a bit of weight lately and last night my son said "you look slightly smaller in fact". I don't think he was very impressed as I have occupied the lounge to do a bit of exercise as I have not gone for a walk yesterday, but I was glad to hear what he had to say and that he left me alone in the lounge to carry on with my exercise routine.

I have been feeling a bit down as I seem unable to see any physical improvement on me. I have given up weighing because I think my weighing scale is lying. I have not lost any weight in spite of putting up with sore muscles plus blisters on most of my toes from pounding the pavement. But hearing confirmation from others make a big difference and quite encouraging!I have tried very hard keeping my promise to walk myself to size 10 before I head off to my first US trip next month but I am not seeing much hope. I know I should have started earlier but did not. The first two weeks were the hardest. My calculations were wrong and the first few attempts to walk long distance almost killed me and my enthusiasm. Thinking I could walk 7km in an hour, I headed for work one morning and regretted doing it as I was ten minutes late to work that day and suffered in pain all day. My legs were burning, my feet ached like I've never felt before. Yet eight hours later I had no choice but walk the same 7k back home. I know this is nothing to physically fit individuals. But people like me who has not done anything in the past few months except for some sporadic effort to go for a short walk when I feel like it, 14k in one day is torture. It took me a few days to recover from it and I was in pain as my toes ended up with blisters.

I know I could not walk to work each day and the short circuit I do every now and then around our block can be quite boring. I had to vary what I do or I end up giving up the challenge. So I ended up with six regular walking routes between 3k - 7k distances.

The route I like taking after work is at a park not too far from our suburb. After almost a year of not going there; I went back for a walk by the Park one morning before I left for work. I missed walking under the canopies of shrubs and Pongas so I thought I walk through the park. As I got closer I saw these metal frames painted in loud colors of yellows and reds around the rugby field which were not there before when I use to walk/run at the park.

At closer look, I realized they were mechanical exercise machines. So after circling the field I decided to try one of them. That occupied most of my walking time and I have been going back whenever I cannot fit in the longer routes. It has become quite popular for the locals bringing in a lot more walkers in the Park. I reckon it was a great idea and a worthwhile way of spending taxpayers money rather than spending it on a sculpture that sometimes only the sculptor can really appreciate!

The young and the old uses the machines and it was quite pleasant to watch a family of four using one of the machines and having fun while teaching the children about fitness. I have also noticed a lot of the older people around the area are also coming out and using the machines. The lady below came and join me in one of them. She wasn't very sure what to do with it but once I showed her she was there for quite a while even after I had enough of it. I left her but not after letting her know how much I enjoyed the short but nice little chat with her.

Even as I plod along, I am not seeing much physical result because I have not fine-tuned my eating habit. I walk/run 3-4 times a week, I try two of the longer routes and 2 of the shorter ones each week. So I am a bit disappointed with myself in this area. But walking is gradually becoming easier and lighter. It is not such a struggle anymore. I even surprised myself last week when I decided to run a whole 1.5k nonstop; something I could never have done before. My muscles are not sore anymore even after a long walk. I am hoping I can keep this new found enthusiasm to last longer if not my lifetime.

I am thinking of going ahead with my plan to run a Marathon or I think I should go for the half marathon next year. It's great to have a park nearby to go to and with those bright colored machines, they seem to always enthuse me to keep walking ... around the field and beyond!

Dreaming of White Christmas?

If you are a Christmas fanatic and want to experience real Christmas, then head up to Europe! I was in Germany during the early part of December 2008. I was offered a chance to visit the castle that served as an inspiration to most of my childhood dreams. I should correct that, I think it was during my early teens that I became interested about castles and palaces; princes and princesses. And thanks to my beautiful Auntie Almie, who has now joined the Lord, her pocket books (that I use to hide and read) lit the flame of adventure in my heart/mind and I guess the desire to one day see these places.

It was not until I became aware of Disneyland that I learned about Neuschwanstein Castle. I thought it was a fictional setting, a fantasy castle until I started reading travel books and found out it was in their destination. So the dream became a reality last year and the castle proved to be a real fantasy castle! Hats off to King Ludwig II, supposed to have been considered mad, I guess due to his grandiose ideas. But to be able to dream of something that the average mind cannot visualize, I guess is always considered madness, especially in his days! What I believe is that the word genius was not common in those days. So instead, anyone with a special mind like the King was diagnosed as mad instead of a genius. 

The other reason I went was to experience famous European Christmas Markets. If Deuchland wasn’t too far, too cold and the trip too expensive; I would go there every Christmas. Not because I believe in Christmas but because it is an awesome experience! My friends took me to quite a few of the Christmas Markets in Berlin, Potsdam, Nuremberg and in Cologne. And every one was different from the other. Though the markets are open day and night, there is definitely a lot more buzz at night. If you are a drinker, you’ve got to try “Glühwein” by the way. More photos are available in my Euro-trip blog if you would like to check the photos.

The trip was a real eye-opener for me. I grew up thinking we from Asia are a lot more family oriented than the rest of the world. But while I was at Travel and Tourism College, I found out Germany and nearby countries comes first on the list. Then there is hospitality too which I find quite similar to the culture I grew up with. They still raise their own chook and ducks in their backyards which reminded me of how I grew up raising White Leg Hornes (not sure if this is how it's spelled) which we fatten and sold to the public. My mother, before they became Adventist, used to raise pigs, fat and really big pigs. I also remember how my brothers and I use to herd ducks back to their pen before the dark sets in to make sure we get the eggs in the morning which again my parents sold to the public to augment their budget during the leaner months between harvest seasons.

I was only there for three weeks but I fell in loved with the country and I believe Germany will always have a special place in my heart. I missed the food most of all, the pastries, really yummy pastries. And yes, the snow flakes falling outside the window as I woke up in the morning! I stood by the window for hours and hours watching the ever so dainty and graceful descent of snow as I witnessed the road and the rooftops turn from gray or orange or yellow to a sea of pure and soft velvety white!

I also wanted to go to Heidelberg as well for a dose of history, Philippine history that is. But alas! time was too short and Heidelberg was too far from where I was based. I can pretty much understand why Filipinos can adjust easily over there. Same attitude towards education, family values, loyalty and even their taste of food! I was very apologetic with the food I cook until I was told they prefer it a little bit salty. Sounds like home even if I know salt is bad for us.

So I was impressed with how they celebrated Christmas. And hoped that I will one day be able afford to visit the country in a different season. I was there this time last year and snow fell the day I arrive which was late November. Apparently they don't always get snow that time.

          A short flight to Paris served as an icing on my cake and not just another eye-opener for me. I just about laughed when I saw some Red Christmas Trees! But that was in Paris and being the Fashion Headquarter of the world, I guess they have a licence to present Christmas outside the box! I dreamed about Paris for many years and somehow I have always known and felt in my heart I will be able to see The Eiffel Tower. I just didn't know how or when. So as I walked along River Seine and floated along this historical river mesmerised by the glow of blue lights that flooded Eiffel Tower at night, as I dashed from Louvre Museum to Mont Parnasse; soaked myself wet in the rain as I shivered in the bitter cold air just to see Notre Dame in daylight, I did not pinched myself but it really felt surreal, very much like waking up into my dream!

It is such a weird feeling going to a place that you have dreamed a lot and played scenes in your mind of you walking or doing things in that place that when you finally get there, it gives you a feeling of "deja vu".

I am currently planning to realise another dream. Probably a dreams old as my dream of Europe. Being a single mother living on a very small wage I have to forego a lot to be able to save for a holiday. It is not easy but budgeting and saving are the two greatest things I learned from my divorce. I am learning, it is not easy but it can be done. It is just a matter of priority. So I am looking forward to ticking another number off my "101 things to do list".

The greatest bonus I got from my trip aside from having walked inside the castle in my mind was the generous shower or soaking of history. The whole of Europe is a vast sea of historical facts and myths. The little I know from the many years I had history papers in high school and uni and most of it long forgotten was revived and updated with my visit to Europe! It felt like the books I have read came to life and I turned into one of the characters roaming around the cobbled streets!

But after saying all that, in no time I had to leave and come home to Kiwiland. After all Auckland is now home to me and my family. And this year I am looking forward to a Kiwi Christmas!  The quiet and simple Christmas dinner or lunch with the family; a game or two after meal; a day on the beach the next day where you can either choose to swim, fish or just do nothing (and definitely won't bake myself in the sun) after the BBQ is all gone! What better way is there to recharge and recoupe and get ready for the New Year?

No matter where I am in the world if I focus on the good in others; I discover that there is a lot to be grateful for, a lot to be thankful for in my life!  Hope to see you at the beach on Christmas Day and don't forget New Year’s Day too! Merry Christmas! May you all be blessed with love and peace in your hearts not just during the Yuletide Season but all through your lives!